Move from Texas went amazing. All boxes made it from the pain in my ass FedEx. My saddle made it and most importantly the princess made it in one piece. The royal treatment is not all that royal. Let me tell you that much. It's work. But I get to drive and I get my license in 7 days. Could not be happier. Even though the annoying stepmom thinks I won't pass. What matters to me is that my mom that now lives over a thousand miles away believes in me. Every time I tell her how much closer it is to me getting my license she freaks out. It's like she is still here in Colorado. But, the worst part about it is that I can't drive 1 hour and go see her in Longmont anymore. I can't call a place that I loved home anymore. It breaks my heart more than anyone could EVER imagine. I guess I never really opened my eyes to see that my mom is my true best friend. I have always just had her there and I always just told her everything. So being back in Colorado hurts. A sting to the eyes. Another hammer to the heart.
I call her and talk to her everyday. What I would give to have her here in the same state as me again. What I would do to be able to give her a hug everyday. To crack a joke once a week like we always did. There are 7 days in the week. On one out of the 7 it seemed like it was ours to own. She was never one to disappoint. She brought some of my most important dreams to life. Being able to show and getting more involved with my barn back in Longmont. It is incredible how much she still supports me from Florida. My mom seems like the only person that wants me to show and she would still be willing to pay for it all. If you could pull out a dictionary right not and flip to the page in which "perfect" is on. You will see a full length bio on my mom with the best picture of her. With a few cats in it. But the truth to me is that she lives over a thousand miles from me. I just want her to stay with me. She was all I needed to help me be me. She was the key for me showing and leasing a horse. It wasn't my dad or my friends. At the end of it, it was the one who put all her money before buying food for us. The one that would do ANYTHING for her spoiled princess. She was someone that could handle my sass, anger, happiness, sadness, and any other emotion that I threw her way. If solving the situation was slamming the door and a full blown yelling argument. We would still find a way to make the one day out of the week ours. If we had a bad moment or day between us, we would just rest it off and call it good the next morning.
Without having my mom here. It just feels like half of me is empty. That it was just drained out by the devil. The devil being me. I am the one that drained it. I am the one that moved away. Then she moved away because I moved. What a stupid choice on my part. What the fuck was I thinking when I thought I could move away from someone that I have shared and spent my whole life with. I left her a terrible message and a an even worse attitude. I can't believe that I had to do all this to see that everything she did was for me. I don't know about marrying her husband. But, her moving away has made me so much more independent.
This incredible person had such a big job. Raise a kid with a hell of expensive sport and passion. Keep her happy and spoiled. Yet still have a job and not kill herself (dramatic way). She handled so much from the time her and my dad split until I moved. Then still she handles my emotions. I don't get how such an amazing and head strong person came to be my mother. I can swear to anyone that is reading this right now that I am nothing like her. I'm not head strong like her. I can't handle all that she does without exploding into tiny bit size pizza rolls. How she takes care of 6 cats and a hand full puppy. My mom is my true role model. I may say that someone else is. But in all reality. If I could be anyone when I grow up. I want to be my mom. I want to be smart and funny and so caring like she it. If I could have a quarter of her personality in me I would be thrilled. She is everything that I want to be. Not the accountant part. But everything else about her is perfect to me. She should have no reason to change for anyone. Unless it is herself. She is perfect and amazing just the way she is. I love her more than I have ever told her. Which is something I regret more than anything. She deserves to be told that at least two times a day. I failed at that. There were days that I wouldn't say anything to her. I took my mother so for granted that once I moved I carried a heartache with me. What kills me is that I still carry it with me. All the way back to Colorado. When can I cure this pain in me? When I see me mom again. As I try and stop the waterworks coming out of my eyes. I need to finish at it is 11:14 pm right now.
XOXO Lonely Eq Girl
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Friday, June 6, 2014
June 6, 2014
Today was the day. The day that I left the hell house. The house in which I hated myself.
It was more than awkward when I left today. Tyler came home unexpectedly early. Of course I had to tell him what was going on. So I told him. I had such a shake in my voice and he could tell that it was so hard for me to talk to him about it and say goodbye. He was always so nice to me and I couldn't thank him enough for all he did for me. He was always so sweet and caring. He taught me a lot of life lessons in my 5 months of staying there. He was so relaxed and alright with me leaving today. He completely understood why I would want to leave. He apologized for his actions which honestly meant the world to me.
Right now at 2:56 PM I am at Debbie's house. She is such a nice person. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. It feels like I can breathe again and I don't have to worry about anyone judging me about it. I love it. My parents are happy that I left today. My mom sent Ivy a message saying briefly what happened. I just texted Ivy saying "Good luck at your show this weekend with Frieda. Thanks for everything." I don't care what she says to me anymore. She no longer affects my life anymore or controls it. I control my own life and I'm only going to let the people I truly care about affect my life from now on. She means absolutely NOTHING to me now.
It is the end of the day and all I can think about is how much I loved today and how much I am proud of myself. I left a place that made me feel like complete shit and I am now somewhere were I know I can be happy and I won't be judged for every little thing that I do. I'm not so focused on going to Colorado so much anymore. I am so much more happier now that I am out of that hell house. I feel like I can finally breathe again. But, I couldn't be more blessed for the chance I got to move down here and learn as much as I did about myself. At age 16 I learned so much in just 5 months. I learned that there are two faced people out there. It made me thankful that my parents aren't two faced. They are the most amazing once faced people I know. I wouldn't change a thing about them. I also learned how to communicate better. GO PAIGE! But, I also learned how to become two faced too without keeping the two faced all the time. I was happy and having fun around Ivy. But all alone I was sad and miserable thinking of how much of a failure I am. Thinking that I may not graduate or get into a good college. I might not get a killer job with a good pay. Who knows right now. No one does. I can only do my best from now on and strive for my best so that I can get the best that I can get. I can only try my best to prove Ivy wrong. When I do prove her wrong I will feel on top of the world. I will finally be looking down on her. Not her looking down on me.
This is it for today. Not much just short and simple. Stay tuned for tomorrow :)
XOXO Lonely Eq Girl
It was more than awkward when I left today. Tyler came home unexpectedly early. Of course I had to tell him what was going on. So I told him. I had such a shake in my voice and he could tell that it was so hard for me to talk to him about it and say goodbye. He was always so nice to me and I couldn't thank him enough for all he did for me. He was always so sweet and caring. He taught me a lot of life lessons in my 5 months of staying there. He was so relaxed and alright with me leaving today. He completely understood why I would want to leave. He apologized for his actions which honestly meant the world to me.
Right now at 2:56 PM I am at Debbie's house. She is such a nice person. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. It feels like I can breathe again and I don't have to worry about anyone judging me about it. I love it. My parents are happy that I left today. My mom sent Ivy a message saying briefly what happened. I just texted Ivy saying "Good luck at your show this weekend with Frieda. Thanks for everything." I don't care what she says to me anymore. She no longer affects my life anymore or controls it. I control my own life and I'm only going to let the people I truly care about affect my life from now on. She means absolutely NOTHING to me now.
It is the end of the day and all I can think about is how much I loved today and how much I am proud of myself. I left a place that made me feel like complete shit and I am now somewhere were I know I can be happy and I won't be judged for every little thing that I do. I'm not so focused on going to Colorado so much anymore. I am so much more happier now that I am out of that hell house. I feel like I can finally breathe again. But, I couldn't be more blessed for the chance I got to move down here and learn as much as I did about myself. At age 16 I learned so much in just 5 months. I learned that there are two faced people out there. It made me thankful that my parents aren't two faced. They are the most amazing once faced people I know. I wouldn't change a thing about them. I also learned how to communicate better. GO PAIGE! But, I also learned how to become two faced too without keeping the two faced all the time. I was happy and having fun around Ivy. But all alone I was sad and miserable thinking of how much of a failure I am. Thinking that I may not graduate or get into a good college. I might not get a killer job with a good pay. Who knows right now. No one does. I can only do my best from now on and strive for my best so that I can get the best that I can get. I can only try my best to prove Ivy wrong. When I do prove her wrong I will feel on top of the world. I will finally be looking down on her. Not her looking down on me.
This is it for today. Not much just short and simple. Stay tuned for tomorrow :)
XOXO Lonely Eq Girl
Thursday, June 5, 2014
June 5, 2014
Tomorrow is the day. The day I leave and only leave my goodbye note. As of right now it is only 26 hours away. It is 7:30 AM. I 'm counting down the hours until I can leave this place and not look back. I can't wait. Tonight will be my last dinner. Today will be my last full day here. I ship my boxes off today and my bike. Every thing is going perfectly for me. On the other hand Ivy keeps complaining to me on all of this is just bad timing. Well she can shut the front door. It might be bad timing for her but it is good timing for me and my family. Her saying that shows to me that she is self centered, something she always told me she wasn't. For the past few weeks she has told me how spoiled I am, how annoying and awful my parents are, how bad my dad is, and all these nasty names toward my dad and I. I can't wait to hear what my mom has to say to her Friday evening. I don't know if I should expect texts and phone calls from Ivy, Tyler, and Pam. But I kind of am. Don't care how mean and hateful they might be asking to have me come back to the house. But no way in hell will I eve come back here. There will be no way that I will ever let them make me feel like the way I have felt for the past 5 months. No. Not at all. I won't make that mistake ever again. I am trying to type this right now as quietly as possible until Ivy leaves the house. I don't want her to know that I am awake. The family doesn't know that I am counting down the hours until I leave the house on Friday at 10 AM. I won't cherish my last times in this house. I will worship them. I will take living in this house as one of the biggest learning experiences of my life yet.
Tomorrow, I'll wake up at 8:30 hopefully without Ivy yelling at the kids to get up again. Then I will slowly start to get packed. My blankets, stuffed animals (yes I have some), any clothes, toothbrush, toothpaste, face washes, and any other items.
I really need to stop anticipating this so much. But, it is so hard not to! I get leave the place that has been making me hate myself and has filled me with so much hate for myself and people. It isn't right for me, for anyone as a matter of fact.
Only 22 hours and 48 minutes until I get to leave this place. Couldn't be happier. Current doing: laying on the catwalk and waiting for FedEx to come pick up the last of my packages. I am all by my lonesome self which is awesome! But, I really need FedEx to come so I can tell them that my bike is in the driveway and it needs to get picked up too! I will write more later.
Time left? 18 hours and 56 minutes. Tyler just got home and the tension has come a little greater. I am ever so dearly dreading the moment when Ivy comes home. I can't wait for the kids to come home though. They will be a great reason for me to stay in my room. Colt and Coty love to play in my room. I hope everything goes according to plan tomorrow. If not, YOLO!
Kids and Ivy are home. Goal of the night: Avoid Ivy!! I will eat dinner as slow as possible to avoid talking with her and anyone else. I will then shoot straight up to my room and hopefully she will be getting ready for the show. I will just hang out in my room for the rest of the night as I have been all week. Hopefully I can make my great escape tomorrow morning with no one home and just my note on the stove. I will not answer any texts from Pam, Ivy, or Tyler. Answer no calls. Listen to no voicemails. This is how it will be until I get to Colorado on Tuesday.
Tuesday. The day I get to see my dad. I get to see my stepmom. The day that I will be forever happy and blessed to live with my family again. I can't wait. It has been all I think about the last few days. How things will be. How happy I will be with my family. Father's Day will be right around the corner. I won't have to listen to Ivy rant anymore. Her annoying ass voice. It makes me cringe. The day I get to Colorado home again. My forever home.
I talked with my therapist for about 22 minutes. She couldn't be more excited for me that I am coming back home. That I will be getting out of this house tomorrow. She has different thoughts about how I should write my letter but I will stick with what my dad told me to write. Just plain and simple "Goodbye." People I will miss the most? The kids and all the friends that I have made here. People I want to never see again? Ivy and Tyler. Mostly Ivy.
A quick little note.
To all of my lovely bloggers: Thank you so much for reading my blog posts. You couldn't imagine how much it means to me when I see how many views each post got. Know that I already have over 100 views makes me heart jump for joy! I love sharing my story to people if it is through blog or I am just telling them. I couldn't be more blessed that I moved here so I got this experience but at the same time I regret moving down here more than anything. I have you guys to thank for making these last few days for me so much better. You make me look forward to writing the next day and posting each blog piece up at the end of the day. I don't care if you judge me for my choices. I don't care if you love my blog. I am just glad that there are people out there in the world that take the time of day to read about how my day went. I would love to hear about how your day went and what you did. Feel free to leave a comment on a blog post (I have no clue how to) I would love to hear your feed back on my blog :) Please keep reading because it makes my day seeing the number of views I get each day :) I hope all of you had a LOVELY day!
16 hours and 45 minutes left. The kids were home but just left to their grandma's. I guess that leaves Ivy, Tyler, and I in the house tonight. FUCKKKKK. I'll be as quite and nice as I can. Just counting down the hours until I leave. I will stay in my room as long as possible. Once it hits 10:00 PM I will close and lock my door then go to sleep hoping that Ivy doesn't wake me up in the morning. More like praying. It is 5:17 right now and it will probably take them until about 5:50ish until they get back. Just that much LESS time I get to spend in the awkward silence among them. All I can say is this is going to be a long post tonight. Hope you all don't mind a little reading :) I have my plan for tomorrow. All is in order so far. Which is freaking awesome. I will say that I am not hungry tonight so I don't have to go downstairs for dinner. I will stay in this room of mine watching Glee, Make It Or Break It, and The Secret Life Of The American Teenager. Tweet me suggestions of what to watch please!! I will keep you all updated until 10:00PM!
12 hours and 57 minutes left. I haven't talked to Ivy since she has been home. SUCCESS! I can't wait for tomorrow morning. I will try my best to wake up at 8 and if Ivy hasn't left by then I will do what I did this morning. just listen through the crack in my door until I hear the door slam shut. I have every thing so perfectly planned out. I am starving!! I haven't had any food since anyone got home. I have no clue how I plan on going to sleep tonight on an empty stomach. I know that when I wake up I will eat all of the food I want and not give two fucks! Because I don't really care.
Well, I am done with this post for today. Sorry for it being so long guys! Hope you enjoy :) Love you all so much, you all mean a lot to me :)
XOXO Lonely Eq Girl
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
June 4, 2014
Last day of school. So bitter sweet. It was a good day for this one. I didn't feel so lonely. Not at school. Not after school. Up until I got home. Then I felt more alone than ever. Thank goodness the guardians weren't home. They still aren't and it is 6:50 PM. The most amazing news I got today. Tomorrow will be my last day in this house. I couldn't be happier in all honesty. As of right now in this hour I have 39 hours left. Never thought I would be counting down the hours in leaving this house. I got all my stuff packed up. Shipping my last 10 boxes tomorrow and then I will be living out of my suitcases for the next few days. I can't wait to get out of here and stay with Debbie for a few days. Hopefully I can go to my friends graduation party on Sunday.
No worries readers I will still keep you all updated while I am at Debbie's house :)
I noticed this morning how blessed I am to have all my amazing followers on my Anon twitter account and have all of the readers that I have. To be honest this blog wouldn't mean as much to me if I didn't have any readers. Know that someone is on the other end of my blog reading my posts makes me feel like I am someone special. I haven't felt that way in a LONG ASS time! My parents and friends always made me feel special and I think that is why I had so much confidence. But since I moved I haven't been told that. Let alone felt special in any way, shape, or form. I just feel iced out.
No promises that this post will be as long as the last two.
I don't have much to write tonight since I have pretty much been by myself all day and ever since I got home. Until 3:45 when Chase and Colt got home. They have kept me in great company.
Today is the day that I have to ask Ivy if I can stay home tomorrow. I don't need to go to school tomorrow. I don't have any tests to take. I passed those classes with a 92 and 95. I feel great about that and the only people I can share it with are over a thousand miles away. They joy doesn't feel as joyful. The happiness doesn't feel as happy over the phone as it does in person. It is bittersweet. More bitter than the last day of school. Sharing the good news with the people I love the most over the phone is nice but it is also heart breaking sad.
I got to talk to my grandma today for the first time in a few weeks. I love hearing her voice over the phone. Her voice just makes me so much happier. She is probably one of the happiest people I know and that is why I love her so much. She has some sort of magic that she can just put a smile on my face and I don't have to fake it. Even if she is just talking about the neighborhood gossip, she can just put a smile on my face. That is whats so great about her. She is the best.
She has arrived home. The tension has become heavier. It is getting harder to breathe in this house with her in here too. Ivy is finally home. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN. I have to ask her a simple question
"Can I stay home tomorrow?" So much depends on that question. I pray that she says yes. If she says no I will just be bored out of my mind with nothing to do at school. Maybe I can have someone give him a ride home once she leaves. That would be so nice!
Update: She basically said yes. So I get to stay home and do a whole bunch of nothing tomorrow! I get to sleep in by 2 hours! then I get to count down the hours until I leave this awful and no good house. I get to leave and throw away all my hate and anger once I get in Debbie's car. I don't care that I will be sleeping on the couch again. I just get to leave this awful place that I once begged to call home.
Got amazing news from my amazing stepmom. They cleaned out the room that I will be temporarily staying in until we find a house of our own :)
Even though Ivy has still managed to rain on my parade without saying much words to my face. i still had a pretty good day. I can't wait to see what tomorrow and Friday brings me!
I never thought I would be the kind of girl to daily write something down about how my day went or about my feelings about something or someone. But, here I am typing my feelings out on this blog. It feels good to get my feelings out in the open. It may not be on the old fashioned paper. But this blog thing is working pretty well for me. I know I have more to say but I'm just trying to decide when I want to publish this post. I think I will do it in a few hours as it is now 8:39.
Do you ever feel like your words don't do something justice and you tell someone about everything that has been going on lately and they know the details too as if they have been there and then they read what you wrote and they comment to you
"I wouldn't tell it any different!" I hope that person is reading this post tonight because I have no clue how this awesome person came into my life but she has turned into my best friend from who knows where. I have never met her but it feels like I have. She is so funny and has been with me through all of this hard, awful, heart breaking pain. She has always given me an opinion on something when I needed it. Has been there when I didn't want anyone else to know. Given me the best advice on how to handle my guardians at times like tonight. I hope some day soon I get to meet her and I want to give her a HUGE hug and let her know that her wise words have helped me and saved me from such a deep and dark place. She was one of few people that helped me break free from this mad house. I have her to thank for so much of it. I hope she is reading this tonight because she deserves to feel special for everything that she has helped me with! :) Thanks so much Emily!!
Well, I am out of material to write for tonight so I hope you lovely bloggers enjoyed my post for tonight :) feel free to share my page with your friends and family!
XOXO Lonely Eq Girl
No worries readers I will still keep you all updated while I am at Debbie's house :)
I noticed this morning how blessed I am to have all my amazing followers on my Anon twitter account and have all of the readers that I have. To be honest this blog wouldn't mean as much to me if I didn't have any readers. Know that someone is on the other end of my blog reading my posts makes me feel like I am someone special. I haven't felt that way in a LONG ASS time! My parents and friends always made me feel special and I think that is why I had so much confidence. But since I moved I haven't been told that. Let alone felt special in any way, shape, or form. I just feel iced out.
No promises that this post will be as long as the last two.
I don't have much to write tonight since I have pretty much been by myself all day and ever since I got home. Until 3:45 when Chase and Colt got home. They have kept me in great company.
Today is the day that I have to ask Ivy if I can stay home tomorrow. I don't need to go to school tomorrow. I don't have any tests to take. I passed those classes with a 92 and 95. I feel great about that and the only people I can share it with are over a thousand miles away. They joy doesn't feel as joyful. The happiness doesn't feel as happy over the phone as it does in person. It is bittersweet. More bitter than the last day of school. Sharing the good news with the people I love the most over the phone is nice but it is also heart breaking sad.
I got to talk to my grandma today for the first time in a few weeks. I love hearing her voice over the phone. Her voice just makes me so much happier. She is probably one of the happiest people I know and that is why I love her so much. She has some sort of magic that she can just put a smile on my face and I don't have to fake it. Even if she is just talking about the neighborhood gossip, she can just put a smile on my face. That is whats so great about her. She is the best.
She has arrived home. The tension has become heavier. It is getting harder to breathe in this house with her in here too. Ivy is finally home. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN. I have to ask her a simple question
"Can I stay home tomorrow?" So much depends on that question. I pray that she says yes. If she says no I will just be bored out of my mind with nothing to do at school. Maybe I can have someone give him a ride home once she leaves. That would be so nice!
Update: She basically said yes. So I get to stay home and do a whole bunch of nothing tomorrow! I get to sleep in by 2 hours! then I get to count down the hours until I leave this awful and no good house. I get to leave and throw away all my hate and anger once I get in Debbie's car. I don't care that I will be sleeping on the couch again. I just get to leave this awful place that I once begged to call home.
Got amazing news from my amazing stepmom. They cleaned out the room that I will be temporarily staying in until we find a house of our own :)
Even though Ivy has still managed to rain on my parade without saying much words to my face. i still had a pretty good day. I can't wait to see what tomorrow and Friday brings me!
I never thought I would be the kind of girl to daily write something down about how my day went or about my feelings about something or someone. But, here I am typing my feelings out on this blog. It feels good to get my feelings out in the open. It may not be on the old fashioned paper. But this blog thing is working pretty well for me. I know I have more to say but I'm just trying to decide when I want to publish this post. I think I will do it in a few hours as it is now 8:39.
Do you ever feel like your words don't do something justice and you tell someone about everything that has been going on lately and they know the details too as if they have been there and then they read what you wrote and they comment to you
"I wouldn't tell it any different!" I hope that person is reading this post tonight because I have no clue how this awesome person came into my life but she has turned into my best friend from who knows where. I have never met her but it feels like I have. She is so funny and has been with me through all of this hard, awful, heart breaking pain. She has always given me an opinion on something when I needed it. Has been there when I didn't want anyone else to know. Given me the best advice on how to handle my guardians at times like tonight. I hope some day soon I get to meet her and I want to give her a HUGE hug and let her know that her wise words have helped me and saved me from such a deep and dark place. She was one of few people that helped me break free from this mad house. I have her to thank for so much of it. I hope she is reading this tonight because she deserves to feel special for everything that she has helped me with! :) Thanks so much Emily!!
Well, I am out of material to write for tonight so I hope you lovely bloggers enjoyed my post for tonight :) feel free to share my page with your friends and family!
XOXO Lonely Eq Girl
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
June 3, 2014
It's shipping day for the first set of boxes! But, its 1:50 PM and they haven't been picked up yet. I wish I was a lot better with this whole shipping and moving thing but I feel like I'm terrible at it. LOL. I can only get better from here! No one is home right now which is amazingly nice. Just waiting for my boxes to arrive and my other set of boxes to be picked up. I find it funny. 6 days. 6 FUCKING DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE THIS PLACE!! Praise the lord!
The guardians are home and it is already so awkward. I greeted them as they walked in and they said nothing. NOTHING. They are the worst at expressing their hatred towards me. Or shall I say the best. FedEx finally picked up my boxes and they are off to the grandmothers house in COLORADO :) I was just so calmly enjoying my "me" time and then the guardians came home and now I want to lock myself in this room and never come out until next Tuesday. Except for coming out to take my last 2 finals. I need those.
I can't wait till I get off that plane and up the stairs of Denver International Airport and get to be in the arms of my loving and very caring dad and step mom. Just thinking about it brings the tears to my eyes. I couldn't have asked for 2 greater people. I miss them each day and knowing that they leave for Mexico soon makes me want to ball my eyes out. The fact that I won't have as close contact with them as I usually do makes me nervous and upset.
Dinner: Fake. Unreal. Annoying. All I had to do was sit there with a fake smile and a fake laugh and act like I am the happiest person ever. It's hard to do. It is hard to fake. I only have Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday left in this house. That is 6 more dinners left. 2 more loads of laundry. 2 more showers (full showers in which I was my hair. Don't worry I shower everyday) 1 more day left of school. Counting the days by how many things I have left to do make it seem like it will go by fast. But counting the days normally make it seem as if the hours are dragging on and on. I deleted the guardians and all of my Texas friends on Facebook. I must be in the right direction right? I can only hope so. I forgot to mention that I have to have "All my shit out of here by this weekend." Exact words from Ivy. I guess her brother is moving back into MY ROOM! GAH DAYUM first you make me feel so uncomfortable about myself and now you are pushing me to get my stuff out as soon as possible. Rude does it not? I feel like I am getting pushed out into the streets.
I think I might ask Debbie if I can go stay with her starting Friday night. Then when it comes time for me to leave Tuesday morning I can have her drive me over to Ivy's and just wait for the shuttle to come. I need to talk to my dad and mom about it first but I hope they give me the OKAY to do it. I will ship as much as I can on Thursday and then all the little things that I need like shower stuff, face stuff, and clothes of course can go in my suitcases. I hope that my dad agrees to this. I need him to. I don't know if I can stay here much longer once my stuff is shipped out. It kills me staying her like this. With nothing to do and hating myself. If I go and stay with Debbie then I might be happier about myself and time will go quicker. We can only hope so!
Best news of the month: I am leaving this house on Friday or Saturday! Lets put our hands together and get down on our knees and thank to Lord that I can get out of the place that made me feel like shit for so long. My dad is the best person I can ever ask for. I don't know how I got so blessed to have such an amazing dad. He is the best person in my life hands down. I couldn't do half of the things that I have done without him cheering me on. Just a good day! A good day with my friends and at school. Got some of my boxes shipped and I get more boxes tomorrow. I couldn't be in a happier mood. I should probably get a professional job at acting. I have acted out my emotions for this family for too long. I am ready to stop acting and show my true colors. I can finally do that in a few days!!
Who would of thought that doing Environmental Science homework would be so relaxing. Listening to country music and doing my favorite subject. :)
I have a thing for long entries.
Finished studying for the night. Off to bed early in hopes that I will get some sort of rest unlike the past 2 nights. We can only hope my friends. Only hope. Well, I am signing off for the day. Check back for more tomorrow :)
XOXO Lonely Eq Girl
The guardians are home and it is already so awkward. I greeted them as they walked in and they said nothing. NOTHING. They are the worst at expressing their hatred towards me. Or shall I say the best. FedEx finally picked up my boxes and they are off to the grandmothers house in COLORADO :) I was just so calmly enjoying my "me" time and then the guardians came home and now I want to lock myself in this room and never come out until next Tuesday. Except for coming out to take my last 2 finals. I need those.
I can't wait till I get off that plane and up the stairs of Denver International Airport and get to be in the arms of my loving and very caring dad and step mom. Just thinking about it brings the tears to my eyes. I couldn't have asked for 2 greater people. I miss them each day and knowing that they leave for Mexico soon makes me want to ball my eyes out. The fact that I won't have as close contact with them as I usually do makes me nervous and upset.
Dinner: Fake. Unreal. Annoying. All I had to do was sit there with a fake smile and a fake laugh and act like I am the happiest person ever. It's hard to do. It is hard to fake. I only have Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday left in this house. That is 6 more dinners left. 2 more loads of laundry. 2 more showers (full showers in which I was my hair. Don't worry I shower everyday) 1 more day left of school. Counting the days by how many things I have left to do make it seem like it will go by fast. But counting the days normally make it seem as if the hours are dragging on and on. I deleted the guardians and all of my Texas friends on Facebook. I must be in the right direction right? I can only hope so. I forgot to mention that I have to have "All my shit out of here by this weekend." Exact words from Ivy. I guess her brother is moving back into MY ROOM! GAH DAYUM first you make me feel so uncomfortable about myself and now you are pushing me to get my stuff out as soon as possible. Rude does it not? I feel like I am getting pushed out into the streets.
I think I might ask Debbie if I can go stay with her starting Friday night. Then when it comes time for me to leave Tuesday morning I can have her drive me over to Ivy's and just wait for the shuttle to come. I need to talk to my dad and mom about it first but I hope they give me the OKAY to do it. I will ship as much as I can on Thursday and then all the little things that I need like shower stuff, face stuff, and clothes of course can go in my suitcases. I hope that my dad agrees to this. I need him to. I don't know if I can stay here much longer once my stuff is shipped out. It kills me staying her like this. With nothing to do and hating myself. If I go and stay with Debbie then I might be happier about myself and time will go quicker. We can only hope so!
Best news of the month: I am leaving this house on Friday or Saturday! Lets put our hands together and get down on our knees and thank to Lord that I can get out of the place that made me feel like shit for so long. My dad is the best person I can ever ask for. I don't know how I got so blessed to have such an amazing dad. He is the best person in my life hands down. I couldn't do half of the things that I have done without him cheering me on. Just a good day! A good day with my friends and at school. Got some of my boxes shipped and I get more boxes tomorrow. I couldn't be in a happier mood. I should probably get a professional job at acting. I have acted out my emotions for this family for too long. I am ready to stop acting and show my true colors. I can finally do that in a few days!!
Who would of thought that doing Environmental Science homework would be so relaxing. Listening to country music and doing my favorite subject. :)
I have a thing for long entries.
Finished studying for the night. Off to bed early in hopes that I will get some sort of rest unlike the past 2 nights. We can only hope my friends. Only hope. Well, I am signing off for the day. Check back for more tomorrow :)
XOXO Lonely Eq Girl
Monday, June 2, 2014
June 2, 2014
Texas for me has not been what I thought it would be. I came down here expecting so much. Maybe too much. Leaving my friends, family, and my life in Colorado. All for what? To be treated like shit? To get talked down on? To have my parents get talked down on when they aren't eve around? No. I came to Texas thinking I would get better at riding. Didn't happen. Get better grades in school. Happened. Felt like i was loved and apart of a family. Happened for a little bit. But now with me leaving in 7 days all I can feel is anticipation. I want to get out NOW. I can't handle this pain any longer. Talking to people helps very little with it. Getting the words out of my body helps some but the pain manages to submerge back in. The hurtful words about my dad, mom, and me. It is something I can't take anymore. I just want to shut the world out until my departure comes at 3:00 AM Tuesday morning.
That is why I thought I would start this blog. Just another place to get my words out and in the open. Do I care if anyone sees this blog? No. Do I care if people judge me on it? Yes. No one knows what I have been through and maybe I'll tell my story.
Ivy: bitch, ass, rude, ignorant, irrelevant, predictable, selfish, ugly, mean, loud, obnoxious, pain in my ass, and much more
Just a few words to sum up my guardian for you.
I miss my dad more than anything and it KILLS me inside what Ivy says about him. The words that she strings together to make then so much worse than they actually are. It is as if a lightning bolt struck my heart with words and a giant wound is left. What do I have to do? Nothing. Act as if it didn't bother me. Just smile and shake my head. I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!
The words Ivy says about me with a lack of mixture. Telling me that I'll never graduate or that I'll end up in an alteranatvie school. Calling me a failure and saying you don't care about me right in front of my face.
I understand that you can not care about someone after a period of time and with a gap of communication but to tell them in so many words that it stings worse than breaking a bone must be hard. You would have to practice that in the mirror for days. But I guess Ivy has no heart for her to be able to just pull that out of her ass with no problem saying it. The worst part is that I went to bed crying myself to sleep because she actually made me convince myself that I am a failure and that I'll never graduate. But, I'm going to prove her wrong. Next year, when they call my name while I'm wearing my cap and gown. I'll stand up, go up on stage, receive my diploma, and then go over to my loving and caring parents and have them record a video of me going to Ivy simply saying
"FUCK YOU! I DID GRADUATE AND YOU SAID I COULDN'T!"
Ivy thinks she know me. She thinks that she will predict my future. She thinks I will work at McDonalds and go to a community college. Guess what? She doesn't predict my future. Only one person does. That is me. I predict my future. So what if I had a crummy start to high school that doesn't mean I will gets a shitty job and go to a shitty college. I have improved my ways here in Texas. I now know what it is like to get good grades and feel accomplished.
I was always told that "If you do well in school then you can ride. If you don't do well in school no riding." That didn't apply to me at my moms house. But, I guess it was supposed to here. It seemed that once I got happy with my grades and came back from Colorado (before I told them that I wanted to move back) that riding went away for me. The last time I rode and felt good about it was March 19, 2014. It has now been about 3 and a half months after that amazing ride with my boy Forrest. I feel like shit. Probably look fat as hell too. I haven't gotten any sort of exercise since then. I hate it. HATE IT!! I feel terrible about myself. I know it is supposed to be scientifically proven that exercise makes you feel better about yourself. I couldn't agree more. If I lived in Colorado with my friends and family. Even when I rode more here in Texas and was getting good grades I still felt like crap about myself. Ivy yelling at me all the time while I was riding never really helped either.
It's strange. I feel like Ivy doesn't know the affect that she has on people. Rope them in. Make them feel good about them so that they want to stay with her. Then once she has them she makes them feel like shit so that they leave and she has an excuse to make you feel even more like shit and so she has an excuse to talk down on you and your whole family even if they might not be there.
Okay. Before I go on too much longer, I need to save stuff for the next time I write. I will try my best to write once a day before I leave. No promises though
XOXO Lonely Eq Girl
That is why I thought I would start this blog. Just another place to get my words out and in the open. Do I care if anyone sees this blog? No. Do I care if people judge me on it? Yes. No one knows what I have been through and maybe I'll tell my story.
Ivy: bitch, ass, rude, ignorant, irrelevant, predictable, selfish, ugly, mean, loud, obnoxious, pain in my ass, and much more
Just a few words to sum up my guardian for you.
I miss my dad more than anything and it KILLS me inside what Ivy says about him. The words that she strings together to make then so much worse than they actually are. It is as if a lightning bolt struck my heart with words and a giant wound is left. What do I have to do? Nothing. Act as if it didn't bother me. Just smile and shake my head. I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!
The words Ivy says about me with a lack of mixture. Telling me that I'll never graduate or that I'll end up in an alteranatvie school. Calling me a failure and saying you don't care about me right in front of my face.
I understand that you can not care about someone after a period of time and with a gap of communication but to tell them in so many words that it stings worse than breaking a bone must be hard. You would have to practice that in the mirror for days. But I guess Ivy has no heart for her to be able to just pull that out of her ass with no problem saying it. The worst part is that I went to bed crying myself to sleep because she actually made me convince myself that I am a failure and that I'll never graduate. But, I'm going to prove her wrong. Next year, when they call my name while I'm wearing my cap and gown. I'll stand up, go up on stage, receive my diploma, and then go over to my loving and caring parents and have them record a video of me going to Ivy simply saying
"FUCK YOU! I DID GRADUATE AND YOU SAID I COULDN'T!"
Ivy thinks she know me. She thinks that she will predict my future. She thinks I will work at McDonalds and go to a community college. Guess what? She doesn't predict my future. Only one person does. That is me. I predict my future. So what if I had a crummy start to high school that doesn't mean I will gets a shitty job and go to a shitty college. I have improved my ways here in Texas. I now know what it is like to get good grades and feel accomplished.
I was always told that "If you do well in school then you can ride. If you don't do well in school no riding." That didn't apply to me at my moms house. But, I guess it was supposed to here. It seemed that once I got happy with my grades and came back from Colorado (before I told them that I wanted to move back) that riding went away for me. The last time I rode and felt good about it was March 19, 2014. It has now been about 3 and a half months after that amazing ride with my boy Forrest. I feel like shit. Probably look fat as hell too. I haven't gotten any sort of exercise since then. I hate it. HATE IT!! I feel terrible about myself. I know it is supposed to be scientifically proven that exercise makes you feel better about yourself. I couldn't agree more. If I lived in Colorado with my friends and family. Even when I rode more here in Texas and was getting good grades I still felt like crap about myself. Ivy yelling at me all the time while I was riding never really helped either.
It's strange. I feel like Ivy doesn't know the affect that she has on people. Rope them in. Make them feel good about them so that they want to stay with her. Then once she has them she makes them feel like shit so that they leave and she has an excuse to make you feel even more like shit and so she has an excuse to talk down on you and your whole family even if they might not be there.
Okay. Before I go on too much longer, I need to save stuff for the next time I write. I will try my best to write once a day before I leave. No promises though
XOXO Lonely Eq Girl
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