Move from Texas went amazing. All boxes made it from the pain in my ass FedEx. My saddle made it and most importantly the princess made it in one piece. The royal treatment is not all that royal. Let me tell you that much. It's work. But I get to drive and I get my license in 7 days. Could not be happier. Even though the annoying stepmom thinks I won't pass. What matters to me is that my mom that now lives over a thousand miles away believes in me. Every time I tell her how much closer it is to me getting my license she freaks out. It's like she is still here in Colorado. But, the worst part about it is that I can't drive 1 hour and go see her in Longmont anymore. I can't call a place that I loved home anymore. It breaks my heart more than anyone could EVER imagine. I guess I never really opened my eyes to see that my mom is my true best friend. I have always just had her there and I always just told her everything. So being back in Colorado hurts. A sting to the eyes. Another hammer to the heart.
I call her and talk to her everyday. What I would give to have her here in the same state as me again. What I would do to be able to give her a hug everyday. To crack a joke once a week like we always did. There are 7 days in the week. On one out of the 7 it seemed like it was ours to own. She was never one to disappoint. She brought some of my most important dreams to life. Being able to show and getting more involved with my barn back in Longmont. It is incredible how much she still supports me from Florida. My mom seems like the only person that wants me to show and she would still be willing to pay for it all. If you could pull out a dictionary right not and flip to the page in which "perfect" is on. You will see a full length bio on my mom with the best picture of her. With a few cats in it. But the truth to me is that she lives over a thousand miles from me. I just want her to stay with me. She was all I needed to help me be me. She was the key for me showing and leasing a horse. It wasn't my dad or my friends. At the end of it, it was the one who put all her money before buying food for us. The one that would do ANYTHING for her spoiled princess. She was someone that could handle my sass, anger, happiness, sadness, and any other emotion that I threw her way. If solving the situation was slamming the door and a full blown yelling argument. We would still find a way to make the one day out of the week ours. If we had a bad moment or day between us, we would just rest it off and call it good the next morning.
Without having my mom here. It just feels like half of me is empty. That it was just drained out by the devil. The devil being me. I am the one that drained it. I am the one that moved away. Then she moved away because I moved. What a stupid choice on my part. What the fuck was I thinking when I thought I could move away from someone that I have shared and spent my whole life with. I left her a terrible message and a an even worse attitude. I can't believe that I had to do all this to see that everything she did was for me. I don't know about marrying her husband. But, her moving away has made me so much more independent.
This incredible person had such a big job. Raise a kid with a hell of expensive sport and passion. Keep her happy and spoiled. Yet still have a job and not kill herself (dramatic way). She handled so much from the time her and my dad split until I moved. Then still she handles my emotions. I don't get how such an amazing and head strong person came to be my mother. I can swear to anyone that is reading this right now that I am nothing like her. I'm not head strong like her. I can't handle all that she does without exploding into tiny bit size pizza rolls. How she takes care of 6 cats and a hand full puppy. My mom is my true role model. I may say that someone else is. But in all reality. If I could be anyone when I grow up. I want to be my mom. I want to be smart and funny and so caring like she it. If I could have a quarter of her personality in me I would be thrilled. She is everything that I want to be. Not the accountant part. But everything else about her is perfect to me. She should have no reason to change for anyone. Unless it is herself. She is perfect and amazing just the way she is. I love her more than I have ever told her. Which is something I regret more than anything. She deserves to be told that at least two times a day. I failed at that. There were days that I wouldn't say anything to her. I took my mother so for granted that once I moved I carried a heartache with me. What kills me is that I still carry it with me. All the way back to Colorado. When can I cure this pain in me? When I see me mom again. As I try and stop the waterworks coming out of my eyes. I need to finish at it is 11:14 pm right now.
XOXO Lonely Eq Girl
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