June 2, 2014

Texas for me has not been what I thought it would be. I came down here expecting so much. Maybe too much. Leaving my friends, family, and my life in Colorado. All for what? To be treated like shit? To get talked down on? To have my parents get talked down on when they aren't eve around? No. I came to Texas thinking I would get better at riding. Didn't happen. Get better grades in school. Happened. Felt like i was loved and apart of a family. Happened for a little bit. But now with me leaving in 7 days all I can feel is anticipation. I want to get out NOW. I can't handle this pain any longer. Talking to people helps very little with it. Getting the words out of my body helps some but the pain manages to submerge back in. The hurtful words about my dad, mom, and me. It is something I can't take anymore. I just want to shut the world out until my departure comes at 3:00 AM Tuesday morning.

That is why I thought I would start this blog. Just another place to get my words out and in the open. Do I care if anyone sees this blog? No. Do I care if people judge me on it? Yes. No one knows what I have been through and maybe I'll tell my story.

Ivy: bitch, ass, rude, ignorant, irrelevant, predictable, selfish, ugly, mean, loud, obnoxious, pain in my ass, and much more
Just a few words to sum up my guardian for you.

I miss my dad more than anything and it KILLS me inside what Ivy says about him. The words that she strings together to make then so much worse than they actually are. It is as if a lightning bolt struck my heart with words and a giant wound is left. What do I have to do? Nothing. Act as if it didn't bother me. Just smile and shake my head. I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!

The words Ivy says about me with a lack of mixture. Telling me that I'll never graduate or that I'll end up in an alteranatvie school. Calling me a failure and saying you don't care about me right in front of my face.

I understand that you can not care about someone after a period of time and with a gap of communication but to tell them in so many words that it stings worse than breaking a bone must be hard. You would have to practice that in the mirror for days. But I guess Ivy has no heart for her to be able to just pull that out of her ass with no problem saying it. The worst part is that I went to bed crying myself to sleep because she actually made me convince myself that I am a failure and that I'll never graduate. But, I'm going to prove her wrong. Next year, when they call my name while I'm wearing my cap and gown. I'll stand up, go up on stage, receive my diploma, and then go over to my loving and caring parents and have them record a video of me going to Ivy simply saying

"FUCK YOU! I DID GRADUATE AND YOU SAID I COULDN'T!"

Ivy thinks she know me. She thinks that she will predict my future. She thinks I will work at McDonalds and go to a community college. Guess what? She doesn't predict my future. Only one person does. That is me. I predict my future. So what if I had a crummy start to high school that doesn't mean I will gets a shitty job and go to a shitty college. I have improved my ways here in Texas. I now know what it is like to get good grades and feel accomplished.

I was always told that "If you do well in school then you can ride. If you don't do well in school no riding." That didn't apply to me at my moms house. But, I guess it was supposed to here. It seemed that once I got happy with my grades and came back from Colorado (before I told them that I wanted to move back) that riding went away for me. The last time I rode and felt good about it was March 19, 2014. It has now been about 3 and a half months after that amazing ride with my boy Forrest. I feel like shit. Probably look fat as hell too. I haven't gotten any sort of exercise since then. I hate it. HATE IT!! I feel terrible about myself. I know it is supposed to be scientifically proven that exercise makes you feel better about yourself. I couldn't agree more. If I lived in Colorado with my friends and family. Even when I rode more here in Texas and was getting good grades I still felt like crap about myself. Ivy yelling at me all the time while I was riding never really helped either.

It's strange. I feel like Ivy doesn't know the affect that she has on people. Rope them in. Make them feel good about them so that they want to stay with her. Then once she has them she makes them feel like shit so that they leave and she has an excuse to make you feel even more like shit and so she has an excuse to talk down on you and your whole family even if they might not be there.

Okay. Before I go on too much longer, I need to save stuff for the next time I write. I will try my best to write once a day before I leave. No promises though


XOXO Lonely Eq Girl